|
|
 |
This
month I reviewed Neck of da Woodz, a campy and
ad-lib flick that hails its roots in a Deliverance-esque
slasher flick of bizarre proportions.
The
outset of the movie begins in the apartment of Tarantino;
one of the main characters. The day starts out with a
pretty typical morning routine.. Get up, shower, brush
teeth, greet psychotic steak knife salesman.. Yeah that's
right, a peddler of the wonders of cutlery. Young Tarantino's
morning ritual is interrupted by the way-too-early intrusion
of a door-to-door salesman who's smarminess is likely
to go down in history as the single greatest encapsulation
of our collective disdain for all of those mobile marketeers
who seem to have a penchant for showing up at the worst
possible time. In this case, Tarantino is preparing for
a road trip with his friends when the unwanted visitor
arrives. We see our young protagonist open the door shortly
after said-satanic-salesman has finished urinating in
the bushes. In a burst of salesman-esque, he proceeds
to tell Tarantino of the trials and tribulations he has
endured just to arrive at this doorstep to confer upon
Tarantino the object for which his entire being has lacked
and been yearning for since day one: A set of vacuum sealed
steak knives for only 5.99. An annoyed Tarantino attempts
to put an end to this sales pitch, but with little luck.
Finally, he appears to cave and accept the deal in what
could only be described as a last ditch effort to get
the salesman to leave him alone. Instead of returning
to the door with payment, he, instead, arrives with a
gun in his hand, intent on scaring off the persistent
honkey once and for all. After attempting a hasty retreat,
the hapless huckster of flatware is clipped in mid stride
by a van chock full of Tarantino's homies who are here
to pick him up for the much anticipated road trip.
It
is a well known fact that if you take 5 friends and pack
them in a van of questionable vintage and set them out
on a road trip, they will inevitably wind up with a broken
down van that is as far away from anything resembling
a gas station as is geographically possible along the
route of said road trip. True to the laws of physics,
the van runs out of gas in the middle of nowhere. Mayhem
ensues as this group of five rather opinionated young
lads attempt to figure out where exactly they are and
how exactly they are supposed to get back, and exactly
who is to blame for this scenario in the first
place. Fortunately, one of the guys ("C-Bizzle")
has brought a video camera to ensure that once they can
accurately point the finger of blame, the culprit will
never live it down.
Cue
the dueling banjos, because, at this point, the film ushers
in the arrival of Gumbo and Skeeter, a couple of mullet-wearing,
no-teeth, slack-jawed yokels from the hills of Nowhere-anyone-you've-known-has-ever-been-to.
These two fellas "aint seen folk like [that] in years!"
and can't help but gawk and stare. The two wind up somewhere
between the point of being entirely unhelpful, and downright
belligerent. The best info that they are able to provide
the stranded urban motorists is that the nearest service
station is roughly 40 miles in either direction. Exit
Gumbo and Skeeter in a cloud of burnt rubber and cigarette
smoke.
All
this time it seems that the only one of our group of anti-heroes
who has any sense at all is Pump, A big guy who always
seems to get labeled a coward (his friends have even created
a theme song for him to proclaim the depths of his cowardice).
It seems pretty obvious to him that they, as a group of
young black men, are caught out in the middle of nowhere
with dusk quickly approaching and a countryside full of
hostile country boys who have yet to learn what century
this is. Of course Tarantino, J-Pimp, Kadaking and C-Bizzil
are more interested in cutting-up while they head for
the very first house that appears to be inhabited.
The
movie now cuts to a conversation inside between two female
characters known simply as "Juggs" and "JennaDyke".
It appears that Juggs is involved with Skeeter, one of
the rural ruffians previously depicted in the movie. She
wants Skeeter to come home, but it seems that he would
rather go out hunting with the boys. JennaDyke maintains
her stance that Juggs needs to leave Skeeter and find
someone who deserves her. At this point there is a knock
on the door as our troupe of urbanites attempts to crash
what they assume to be some sort of party. The front door
opens and they ooh and aah over the fine piece of action
greeting them. After a brief conversation, Juggs invites
them inside and things begin to go downhill quickly.
Now
the movie breaks from this scene and we find ourselves
riding along with Skeeter and the gang after a successful
hunting trip. I am guessing that what they consider a
successful hunting trip is to pile as many of your friends
into the back of a pickup-truck (after tossing in a cooler
full of Jim Beam and PBR, of course), getting drunk, and
shooting at everything that moves. I would imagine this
included mailboxes, bottles, each other, cats, the occasional
shed, and more than a few cows. The gang seems proud of
a job well done bagging 42-point bucks.
As
the Hillbilly Express pulls into the driveway, the fine
country gents hear some strange noises and, after further
investigation, espy Juggs and Kadaking in the midst of
an inter-racial tryst. Enraged, they soon form a plan
which needs to involve lots of screaming and shooting
everything that doesn't have white on it.
Skeeter kicks in the front door and shoots Jennadyke.
Corndog, another country lad, runs into the bedroom and
shoots Juggs as Kadaking leaps out the window. Next ensues
a jumbled game of hide and seek with lots of "here
[N-word}, [N-word], [N-word]" uttered by the Redneck
rampagers. (Hmm, 'Redneck Rampagers'...sounds like an
upcoming video game from Rockstar, the folks responsible
for Grand Theft Auto.) The next 10 minutes or so
of the film is a lot of running, shouting, and hiding
in a house that must encompass several acres because the
5 good old boys just can't seem to find any of the terrified
Afro-Americans.
Next
we find Clip Clop McFlop, another non-stereotypical redneck,
getting angry on behalf of his bosom pal Skeeter. See
him get indignant at the social taboos that have recently
been breached. Behold as he chases Kadaking into the barn
and begins searching high and low for him. At first he
is only able to find some "Apple eatin'" SOB
(aka a mournful looking horse). Finding no one else to
bear the brunt of his anger, he gives the horse a sound
tongue lashing and threatens to shoot it. Even though
these inbred bumpkins seem to have terrible eyesight,
they seem to be able to hear rather well, because Clip
Clop is suddenly able to locate the stall in which Kadaking
has hidden. After a conversation involving begging, pleading,
and demands for oral sex, Kadaking, in a flash of common
sense, tears the gun from the grasp of the sotted McFlop
and jacks him square in the jaw. A brief tussle ensues
during which Kadaking breaks free and runs into the woods
(or rather, 'da woodz', to quote the film.).
Its
not like any of our fab five have been having a good evening.
Tarantino has been stabbed, Pump J-Pimp and C-Bizzle have
been shot at, shot back, traded punches, and generally
been scared witless. You have to feel sorry for Kadaking,
though, because he doesn't even get the chance to rest.
After his escape from the stable, he flags down a truck
on a highway and is picked up by a weird old guy. At this
point I'm thinking "watch, this dude will probably
end up being some sort of KKK member". Well it just
so happens that old Mr. Crowstill IS in fact, a card carrying
member of the Klu Klux Klan. He begins to tell the "boy"
what they're gonna do to him as soon as they get to the
rally. King is sitting in the back seat and realizes he
has nothing left to lose and begins to pound the crap
out of Mr. Crowstill who is still trying to drive the
truck. The plan actually works and Kadaking manages to
make his escape back into 'da woodz.'
|
|
|
|
